If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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