dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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