My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
