i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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