i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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