It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
