Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
