Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
