I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
