right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
