Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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