Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
