I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
