maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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