you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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