I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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