she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
