Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
