my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
