he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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