im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
