Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize