Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
