Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
