Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize