You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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