Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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