it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
