But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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