My liver just broke up with me...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
