I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
