pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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