just come out here and I will go home with you...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
even my farts smell like vagina
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
