My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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