I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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