the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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