I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
