i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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