He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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