You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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