My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
