I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
