im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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