how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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