She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize