So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Let's get the cat blown out
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
