I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
