I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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