please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
