is your mom at the bar?
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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