I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
