guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
