I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Who died my cat blue again?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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