he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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