Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
