Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
